Day 14:

About a Girl

I left Austin for a three hour drive to Fort Worth to stay overnight. I didn’t have any reason to stay there, geographically speaking. I was there because of a girl. I had an intense three month relationship with her in New York before she abruptly moved back to Fort Worth. She was a talented, beautiful girl who found me attractive. It made me feel good just knowing she liked me. She was having a rough time in New York and I assumed balancing a dating life with being a chef was daunting. Along with my own problems, it didn’t work out. We kept in touch. I helped design a logo for her, and we sent each other texts once in a while. When I decided to go on this road trip, I knew I would be passing through her town, and I wanted to see her again, if only just to see her face one more time.

We talked about the potential of me coming by and she seemed happy with the idea, so when I was leaving Austin I let her know. I had planned on staying in a motel, but she offered me her place for the night, and said she would stay with her parents, who lived next door. I wasn’t too interested in meeting the parents of somebody I used to date, I originally just planned to have dinner with her and hang out for a bit. Somehow I wound up staying right next to her parents and having dinner with all of them later that day. She can be very persuasive.

I rolled up to her house and she came out with a big smile on her face. I was a little nervous, I hadn’t seen her in a while. We smiled and hugged each other. It felt good seeing her again. I had this aching feeling that maybe I shouldn’t have come, maybe it would bring up things she didn’t want to think about, but at that point we both seemed happy to see each other.

Day14_sketch1The girl in question


We wandered around town for a while. We walked through Fort Worth’s botanical gardens, went to a touristy dude ranch part of town, and saw a movie. I was talking more than she was as I generally tend to do, mostly just trying to make her smile. I loved seeing her smile.

I’m not sure what I wanted to get out of seeing her. Maybe I thought she would say “I made a mistake leaving, I want to come with you to San Francisco.” Then she’d jump in my car and we’d drive off into the sunset.

At one point I thought she might be holding something back, I knew I was holding back. There were things I wanted to say, but I wanted to try to just have fun and not discuss the weighty emotional topics. I think we both knew it just wouldn’t work out.

Her parents invited us to dinner, so we headed over and I met her father. It was pretty scary at first, but soon I found out her parents are both fun, interesting people who really lived their lives to the fullest. It’s funny how you can think of people in the abstract “The Parents,” and then meeting them in real life makes them actual people with a past and experiences which are probably more vast than your own. Her father told me about growing up in Argentina and spending seven months driving from Buenos Aires to Alaska in a van with a bunch of his friends. He eventually became a heart surgeon. I had a great time and I wanted to hear more, but dinner was over and it was time to go.

She and I drove back to the house, said goodnight, hugged and went our separate ways. I really wanted to kiss her, but I guess that would have been selfish of me, and I didn’t want to feel the rejection if she pulled away.

That night I tried to figure out why I was so stuck on this girl. We didn’t date for very long and it didn’t end well, but I still had an incredible desire to be with her. I don’t know why we kept talking after she left. I thought maybe she still had feelings for me and would magically want to move back and give it another shot. This was not the case, and I have to accept it and move on. I guess there aren’t many happy endings in dating. I just have to keep trying till I find someone who can put up with me. The whole process is draining, and I hope I don’t have to do it much longer.

I’m usually shy with girls in general and when I find a girl I like, I think I overcompensate to convince them I’m worth hanging out with. It usually comes out in the form of free creative work. I’m not sure if any of them I’ve done work for have actually used or kept the work, but I didn’t care. I suppose I think she would love my work so much that she would immediately fall for me. I have idealistic notions of love. Maybe I should just give in and let OkCupid find my perfect match mathematically.